My word. I feel like for the past month or so I’ve been living in a tunnel and today I am facing the other side. When I look back on the past 4 weeks I go “So….what just happened?” I feel like I haven’t blogged much (well, I haven’t, actually) and I was absorbed into another weird depression period that I couldn’t get out of, no matter what I did. It was a really challenging month for me because, throughout the depression, I (felt) I had to maintain a sunny outside and pretend all was ok. I didn’t tell anyone what I was feeling (except for hubs, who just seems to know) because I didn’t want to admit that something was wrong. Then, in a series of 2 evenings, it all became too much and I folded in on myself.
It’s tough. I was maintaining my meds, was off of junk food (which, oddly enough, is when this whole thing started) but this sadness just kept creeping into my day. Part of it, I know, was because I have gained back the 15 or so lbs I lost back in the spring. Not a huge deal, I know, but there is still this thing inside me that says “you are a failure” whenever I gain weight. Problem is, I still turn to food for comfort after I realized I’ve gained weight. Totally logical, right?
Next, I felt like I was having a 1/4 life crisis. At 26, I have a good job, married to my amazing hubby, not quite ready to buy a house, not anywhere NEAR ready to have kids, so life is just kind of at a stand still. There are things I’d love to do, but are just not an option for us, financially (travel, for one). So…now what?
Another thing I felt really off about was friendships. Growing up, I didn’t date a whole lot, and I was kind of a nerd, so one of my saving graces was my friends. They shaped me into who I am today (for better or for worse) but now, it’s different. Everyone is at a different point in their lives and friendships that I’ve held near and dear to me feel like they are slipping away. It’s also a matter of fact that I don’t have time like I used to, to hang out with friends, call them, text them etc. I make plans that I know I can’t keep, just in hopes that it will help me maintain that friendship. Not a good plan, but it’s my knee jerk reaction.
Finally…money. Money, money, money. Just when we’re catching up, something brings us down again. Don’t get me wrong, Jon and I are not down and out financially, but I do feel like we’re not where we should be (for a variety of reasons) and I resent that. I let it fester inside me and stew until I snap. Then, I let it go until I start to resent it again. It’s a horrid cycle.
So, after that last evening where I just let it all eat me alive, I woke up and though “OK, enough” Enough crying, enough pretending, enough sadness. In my heart of hearts, I knew what steps I needed to take to help make me better, but it just took some time to get there.
First – More exercise. Not to loose weight but to help me keep my head clear. Every day, I need to do something, even if it’s just a walk. I need that release of tension and stress otherwise the anxiety I carry with me becomes too much.
Second – start loving myself again no matter what. I love so many people unconditionally, but unfortunately, I don’t feel that way towards myself. I was SO close to this back in the spring, but I realize it was superficial. I was loving myself because I was losing weight. This one, I’m not really sure how to solve, but I know it’s something I have to do. I guess having more “Lisa” time would help (Thanks to J & B for really speaking to me about this to me last Saturday)
Third – come to terms with my friendships. This one is really hard for me. I want to be everyone’s best friend and everyone’s confidant. For a time, it was possible, but it is no longer. For the past year or so, I’ve been trying to be everything for everyone and as a result I’ve ended up becoming more distant from them. Instead of being a good friend, I’ve been an “OK” friend. Luckily (very luckily) I have people in my life who love me no matter what and have stuck by me through this. So thank you…you know who you are. I know I have to focus on those friendships and show those amazing people how special they are to me.
Fourth & finally – money. This is a more personal thing, obviously, but I do want to say, that I made a GIANT leap and spoke up about this to someone who I needed to talk to. It was terrifying and while I was doing it I actually had a mini panic attack on the inside, but I did it. The issues that I was having won’t be solved right away, but the things I was letting fester inside me are there no longer.
So here I am, folks. This has been a tough year for me so far, but also an amazing one. I have a lot of work to do still, but I know I can get through it. Again, I’m going to take a page from my friends in AA and take things “One Day at a Time”
Before I go, I also want to say Thank You, to YOU (yes you!) who has read this post and continues to be apart of my life and this blog. You are special to me whether I know you in life or online (or I don’t know you at all!) I also want you to know that MORE AMAZING RECIPES WILL BE COMING SOON! I AM SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS BAKING. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!