If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you know that one of my biggest fears/anxieties was wearing a bikini. I know that sounds extremely dramatic, and SUCH a first world problem, but to me…it was a very real fear.
Let me take a step back for a second here. Why was this such a fear of mine? Well, I (obviously) have body issues. To me, I felt like I shouldn’t wear a bikini, unless I look like I should be able to wear a bikini (i.e. size 2, chiseled abs, etc). I also felt that because I felt that way, other people must feel that way and stare and judge me. I just felt so much shame & awkwardness and just had extremely unpleasant feelings about wearing a bikini…I have issues, I know.
So, I set out back in January to do just that. I started eating clean, working out regularly and trying (somewhat successfully) to cut back on junk. While I did loose a little bit of weight, it wasn’t anywhere near where I thought I would be by the time I left for Florida.
So I made a choice…either stick to the ratty bathing suit I’ve been wearing for OVER 10 YEARS (seriously, I haven’t bought a bathing suit since high school) or suck it up and buy a bikini and wear it anyway. So that’s what I did.
Guess what? No one jumped out of the closet and went “You’re WAY too fat to wear that” or “Ew, what are you doing” and when I went to the beach, not one single person gave me a disapproving look. I don’t actually think anyone looked at me either way, to be honest. Funnily enough, I wore that bikini pretty much for the rest of the trip and I actually loved it. It was comfortable and I felt great in it (and dare I say, even a little sexy?)
Listen, I’m aware of how dramatic this all sounds. Who cares what other people think? Who cares what you look like? Well…I do. I really do care. I know I shouldn’t but I just do. My whole life, I’ve tried to make everyone else happy, satiated, content and complacent. I run around making plans trying to make everyone else happy and while doing that, I make myself very UNhappy, and other people unhappy because I’m not really ever in the moment. I’m ususally thinking of the next thing I have to get done. My mind is ALWAYS racing a mile a minute.
So, that aside, what did putting a bikini on teach me? First, I realized that my fear of what other people think, is really just ME judging ME. When I rush around trying to make other people happy, I’m rushing around because that’s what I think I should be doing. I thought other people were going to think I was fat because I think (thought) I am (was) fat. I guess we really are our own worst critics. So the next time I want to do something and have a fear of being judged, I’m going to take a step back and look at my own feelings and why I might feel that way.
Second, I have to start learning to do things FOR ME. Buying myself new things (when I can afford it), doing things that will make me happy and feel good about myself. Take time to nuture my own soul & being. I can do anything, but not everything. Self care, is really the most important type of care.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for today, and hopefully this post will strike a chord in you as well!
Lots of Love,