When I started this blog a few months back, I intended to use it as a more open and honest space. The funny thing about social media and online personalities in general, is you tend to show only your best self. I don’t usually take a selfie of bawling my yes out for no reason, or a picture of the six bags of chips I just inhaled to comfort myself.
I also didn’t blog about the anxiety I was feeling about how much time had passed since last posting.
So I just kind of left this blog. Told myself “I don’t have time” and that “who even reads it anyway?” and sure, that worked for awhile. It kept gnawing at me though and I was still feeling at odds.
Anxiety is a funny thing. Even as someone who is very aware of my mental issues…I’m very good at pretending it doesn’t exist. I hadn’t stopped blogging because I was “busy” and “didn’t have time” I had stopped because I wasn’t able to make it perfect despite my whole “Real Life Kitchen” persona. I still wanted my pictures to look flawless. I wanted my posts to be witty and adorable. I wanted to be the best part of every blog out there and If I couldn’t so that…I didn’t want to do it at all.
This has been a current theme in my life. There are many things I gave up because I didn’t want to work at it. Guitar, figure skating, school and exercising to name a few. I just want to be good at EVERYTHING without having to really try.
I wanted to be everyone’s best friend and be the best wife, daughter, neighbor, baker, runner, worker. I wanted to have my hands in everything and be everything to everyone and be the best at all of it. I also just wanted it to happen.
That’s not how things work though. To be the best, you have to work at it and despite my best efforts, you can’t work to be the best at everything, all the time. It’s just not possible. Trying to be the best at everything is a very delicate juggling act…with chainsaws, while riding a unicycle. It just spells disaster.
And the disaster it was. My and my juggling act came crashing down on top of me. I had stopped taking care of what was most important to me, and I was paying dearly for it. It has taken me the better part of a year to put everything back together, but I think I’ve learned a lot from it.
That quote “Anything worth having is worth working for” fits in pretty well here. Your job, your relationships, your health, even your hobbies and your passions. They take work. They take maintenance. They take focus. Without focus, it’s utter chaos.
So where is this all going? What does this have to do with my blog?
I’ve decided this blog is something I want to focus on, something I want to work at. This is an important space for me, even if no one reads it.
If my random thoughts and contemplation help one person, it will be worth it. If someone uses one of my recipes and is turned on to the wonderful world of cooking…it will be worth it.
It’s taken me a realllllly long time to get to this point, to the point where I’m really ready to work at a few key things that make me happy, instead doing everything trying to make other people happy.