I have something I would like to share with y’all. No, I’m not pregnant (why does everyone always think that?)
I’m going to type this all out quickly and post before I lose my nerve, so apologize in advance for spelling and/or grammatical errors.
I’ve debated quite a lot whether or not to post about this topic. There’s part of me that is nervous that some may think I’m looking for attention. There’s also the part of me that wants to share with people who are going through the same process that I am. But then I think, well, what if people think I’m weird…and on and on and on.
Anyway, I’ve decided to talk about this and eff off to anyone who wants to be judge-y.
OKAY, here goes.
I have decided that I want to lose 30lbs.
Yes – I really have that much to lose.
Yes – it’s a healthy amount.Yes – I’m scared as f*uck to be talking about this.
Weight loss is a very personal journey. It’s a lot of self control, motivation and determination. Especially for someone like me whose food is their drug.
So why am I talking about it?
I am finally and 100% ok with the fact I might fail…or at least stumble a bit. I’m ready to accept this as a life change. I’m okay that it’s going to take awhile, I’m ok with it all.
I’m also finally only doing this for myself. Like, 100% myself.
I first really realized this when after a month or so, I had dropped 10lbs and not one person noticed. Previously, this would have really upset me. I THRIVED on people gushing about how much weight I’d lost. It gave me a very secret (gross) sense of satisfaction.
This time…I was cool with it because for the first time, in the million times that I’ve tried to lose weight, I’m doing this for myself.
I’ve worked really hard at loving myself in my current body. I’m at least 20lbs over a healthy weight, but I stopped letting that define me. It wasn’t easy…sometimes I still struggle with it, but slowly, I stopped looking at my body with disgust and started looking at the things I liked about it.
Once I got that under wraps, I had to decide if I wanted to lose weight, why, truly, I wanted to do that. Did I want to because I thought it looked better being thin? Did I think it would magically make my life better? Did I want to impress someone or want approval from someone? If I answered yes to any of those questions, I knew I wasn’t ready. Trust me, being thin, won’t make you happy. It won’t make your life better, especially when you don’t love yourself.
This time, I’m doing it because I didn’t feel like me in this body. I didn’t feel healthy and I wasn’t treating my body well. I was using food (and sometimes booze) as a way to comfort myself. I had stopped working out and I had stopped caring.
I officially started this change in July. I woke up, bloated from a night of binging and slightly hungover. I felt like shit. I just lay there thinking “What am I doing? This is not who I want to be”
So, over the next little while, I’m going to tell you about the changes that I’ve been making and hopefully help you to realize you can do it too. If I can…you can!
Until next time!